Crudoleum and hair loss

I just read-up on a leading American psychic of the 20th Century Edgar Cayce (1877 – 1945) who diagnosed people’s medical problems during a hypnotic trance. Besides for head massages, a healthy diet and vitamin supplements to stimulate hair growth, his most prominent recommendation for hair loss was to massage crude oil into one’s scalp. Not just any crude oil, mind you, it had to be Pennsylvania crude oil due it being a lighter paraffin-based variant – as opposed to darker asphalt-based crude oil variants. This is how the brand Crudoleum was born, which surprise-surprise still retails to this very day. Of one thing we can be certain: Edgar Cayce was a true seer. He could see them coming from a mile away...

Chicken Rub

The following cure for hair loss appears (verbatim) across numerous websites offering ayurvedic cures to all sort of ailments:

HAIR LOSS: Those suffering from hair loss or baldness, may apply a paste of hot olive oil, one tablespoon of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder before bath and keep it for approx. 15 min. and then wash the hair. It was found to be effective even if kept on for 5 minutes.

Now we all know that olive oil, honey and even cinnamon have proven medicinal properties, but you’ll forgive me if I think this particular paste will do better spending 15 minutes on this evening’s chicken than on my head.

RoboCure for baldness

The newstatesman.co.uk in an article entitled Robot developed for baldness reports that the British government has awarded a £1.85 million grant to a UK biotechnology company that is developing a cure for baldness that enlists the aid of a robot. Hair follicles are harvested from the back of the neck and cultured for reinsertion in the affected areas. The robot significantly speeds up culturing of replacement follicles by handling up to 200 samples at a time. The reinsertion process consists of a 30-minute operation and has been relatively successful thus far, though it will take up to three years before it becomes commercially available to the general public. I confess that when I first read the title of this article I envisaged a robot that walks and talks as it grows new hair for you. But, saying that, if it can do everything else they say it can, then I’ll be more than happy to forgo the small talk.

Dodgy Head Space

I just read an amusing article about this guy who decided to rent out ad space on his head to help him keep up with his child support payments. He went ahead (no pun intended) and put it (the space on his head) up for auction on ebay for $5000 but as yet has not managed to punt his pate. For those of you who don’t mind selling your body on the web and don’t find the entire concept horribly tacky, the article also mentions a website dedicated to advertising on one’s body called bodybillboardz.com. Turns out being bald puts us ahead of our hirsute counterparts in terms of ad space. Only thing I’ve always wanted to be...a human billboard!

Steve Wilkos makes the Bald List

There is an overt obsession amongst bald people and the websites that purportedly represent them to draw up lists of sexy bald men, famous bald men, bald men in business, etc. Names that crop up regularly include: Vin Diesel, Yul Brenner, Telly Savalas of Kojak-fame and Patrick Stewart aka Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise (no comment). One website even features Steve Wilkos on their list of famous bald men. Now, if like I was, you're looking scratching your bald spot wondering who he is, allow me to clue you in.

The fact is that you've all probably seen Steve Wilkos before - on The Jerry Springer Show - keeping feuding lovers/families/family-lovers apart while the audience chants his name over and over again in primeval ecstasy: "Steve! Steve! Steve!" Now that we're all up to speed, what I want to know is: how desperate are we for role models that this particular bald-headed goon made the List? He sure is bald but that's where his eligibility to be a bald role model ends. If we're so desperate for role models, we should try being our own role models for a change. Or better yet: we should try being somebody else's.

The best a man can get

I’m so used to having my inbox bombarded with the latest miracle cures for hair loss (all with a 30-day money back guarantee) that it was a nice change to come across a website dedicated to helping one remove all your hair. Headshaver.org is a website dedicated to the esoteric art of – well you get the picture. It explains not only how to shave your head, but also gives in depth reviews of shaving products from lubricants to blades. I had never even heard of half the products out there from Aveeno shave gel - go for the soy-based gel as opposed to the oatmeal-based gel to avoid gunking out your blade, to Avid Skinglider - choose the sensitive skin version for markedly less irritation, to Billy Jealousy's Hydroplane shave gel with micro silicone beads - expensive but worth it. Gillette? No longer the best a man can get.

The Three Phases

There are three phases of a hair’s life cycle, namely: anagen, catagen and telogen. The Anagen, or active, phase refers to the stage in which the hair grows continually - this normally lasts up to five years. The catagen, or transitional, phase refers to the phase in which old hair becomes dormant (stops growing) and a new hair begins its growth. This stage lasts between two and three weeks. The telogen, or resting, phase refers to the phase in which the new hair forces the old hair out from the follicle. This takes between ten to twelve weeks. To summarise: anagen, catagen, telogen. First, second, third. Looks like I’ve stalled in second...

B*ld-faced lie

There is a little war raging between etymologists on the internet regarding whether the expression that refers to lying should read bald-faced lie or bold-faced lie. Proponents of bald-faced lie argue along the lines that this refers to a lie that makes no effort to conceal itself - hence it is bald or not covered up. Advocates of bold-faced lie suggest that the expression refers to the lack of shame with which the lie is told- hence it is bold or brazen. This often-acrimonious debate rages on as we speak without any clear sign of a victor in sight. Heated though this debate may be, I personally don’t intend to lose any hair over it.

Scale of Dread

The Norwood-Hamilton Hair Loss Scale is dreadful. It is dreadful because it takes progressive hair loss, breaks it down into categories, and then summarises it into an easy-to-read wall-mountable chart. It is also dreadful because:

- It makes no reference at all to the denial experienced in stage 2, as in: “Oh my God, this isn’t happening to me.”

- It completely ignores the anger experienced in Stage 3, as in: “What the %^%@ are you looking at?”

- It neglects to mention the desperate bargaining experienced in Stage 4 as in: “Dear God, you know I’ve never asked you for anything before…”

- It totally skips the depression that sets in by Stage 5, as in: “Stuff like this always happens to me.”

- And it cannot begin to summarise the bitter acceptance of Stages 6 & 7, as in: “I suppose it’s not the end of the world.”

Solution to overcome the Scale of Dread: print it out and colour it in using brightly coloured crayons - do not bother trying to colour within the lines. Now paste it on your wall and smile as your remind yourself that while in some cases hair loss may be inevitable, in all cases the way you deal with it is not.

Bald on the 11th of July

The website baldrus.com is lobbying for the 11th of July to become the first Annual International Bald Holiday and are encouraging all bald people everywhere to exert all possible influence to help get this Holiday recognised. They have a manifesto that includes burning hairpieces, flushing hair-growth potions down the toilet, and donating testosterone to people with hair. If you ask me, it all sounds a little bit crazy. But then I remembered that in the sixties and seventies there was this little rights movement (you may remember it) that burned bras, took birth control potions and donated free love to all in need. 11th of July? I’m pencilling it in as we speak.